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In my last post, about what I wanted out of my marriage, I mentioned that a high-quality committed monogamous relationship is one of the only reliable ways I know for producing a grownup. Someone reasonably asked: what is a grownup, and how do you spot them? I think everyone needs to work out their own particular answer to this question. But in the interest of cultivating the virtue of vision, here’s my current idea of what a grownup is. As with the marriage post, I’d like to emphasize that this is the high standard I’m aspiring to, not a statement about who I am able to be consistently. If you’re a grownup, you: > Know what game you’re playing and endorse it with open eyes Fine to be a bachelor poet chasing your heart through seaport bars and desert highways. Fine to be a family man who is neurotic about hiring the exact right babysitter. Fine to be a girlboss, fine to be a tradwife. As long as you understand the game you’re playing, your motives for playing it, and its likely effects

In my last post, about what I wanted out of my marriage, I mentioned that a high-quality committed monogamous relationship is one of the only reliable ways I know for producing a grownup. Someone reasonably asked: what is a grownup, and how do you spot them? I think everyone needs to work out their own particular answer to this question. But in the interest of cultivating the virtue of vision, here’s my current idea of what a grownup is. As with the marriage post, I’d like to emphasize that this is the high standard I’m aspiring to, not a statement about who I am able to be consistently.…

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