flâneur

expansion - by Ava - bookbear express

avabear.xyz · 616 words · saved by 1 readers

Equanimity is the place where there is no tension, no pulling. The miraculous few seconds in my handstand when I’m toppling neither backwards nor forwards. When I want nothing because I have everything I need. I felt it while wandering through Chapultepec Park on a blue day. There were herons in the trees and they didn’t make any sense to me. I felt it nestled into the bed rereading Henry James, feeling it deeper the second time. I still love Isabel Archer. During so many moments I feel pulled this way and that. My life is structured around attaining and protecting composure, but underneath the surface there’s always been tumult. I grew up believing that those who are insufficiently paranoid are punished. It’s a streak I can’t shake. I work hard for things, but I don’t let myself feel the pleasure of having them. My hedonism has always been edged with guilt. Tension is what reminds me to keep moving. I love freewheeling momentum, the clean arc of a pendulum, concentric circles rippling

Equanimity is the place where there is no tension, no pulling. The miraculous few seconds in my handstand when I’m toppling neither backwards nor forwards. When I want nothing because I have everything I need. I felt it while wandering through Chapultepec Park on a blue day. There were herons in the trees and they didn’t make any sense to me. I felt it nestled into the bed rereading Henry James, feeling it deeper the second time. I still love Isabel Archer. During so many moments I feel pulled this way and that. My life is structured around attaining and protecting composure, but…

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