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othering the self | Infinite Ascent

blog.cjquines.com · 1,124 words · saved by 1 readers

the other day i felt suicidal for the first time in a few months. i was getting worried about gph, a puzzlehunt i’m helping write. our timelines weren’t looking great. we were quite behind with web work, and i felt like it was my fault. i signed up to do things that i hadn’t done yet, and i kept thinking that the cj from a year ago could’ve done this, would be finding it fun, would enjoy doing it, would be doing great. so what changed? why didn’t i feel like doing any work? why did i only feel like playing video games and watching tv? i slid down the vicious spiral of thoughts. as i always do when i have big feelings, i wrote about it. made a post on my private blog. then… a part of me had the compulsion to write a comment on the post. and then another part of me wanted to reply to that comment. and the first part wanted to reply back, and the second, and so they talked. let’s name the parts, i dunno, orange and blue. the conversation went something like ORANGE: that sucks. i’m sorry.

content warning: suicide. the other day i felt suicidal for the first time in a few months. i was getting worried about gph, a puzzlehunt i’m helping write. our timelines weren’t looking great. we were quite behind with web work, and i felt like it was my fault. i signed up to do things that i hadn’t done yet, and i kept thinking that the cj from a year ago could’ve done this, would be finding it fun, would enjoy doing it, would be doing great. so what changed? why didn’t i feel like doing any work? why did i only feel like playing video games and watching tv? i slid down the vicious spiral of

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