The Life Goals of Dead People - by Ozy Brennan

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These are what I call the life goals of dead people, because what they all have in common is that the best possible person to achieve them is a corpse. Corpses don’t need anything, not even to breathe. Corpses don’t hurt anyone or anger people or fail or make mistakes or break rules. Corpses don’t have feelings, and therefore can’t possibly have feelings that are inappropriate or annoying. Once funeral arrangements have been made, corpses rot peacefully without burdening anyone. Compare with some other goals: I want to write a great novel. I want to be a good parent to my kids. I want to help people. I want to get a raise. I want to learn linear algebra. I want to watch every superhero movie ever filmed. I don’t want to die of cancer. I don’t want the world to be destroyed in a nuclear conflagration. I don’t want my cat to be stuck in this burning building! AAAAA! GET HER OUT OF THERE All of these are goals that dead people are noticeably bad at. Robert Jordan aside, corpses very rarel

Many people who struggle with excessive guilt subconsciously have goals that look like this: I don’t want to make anyone mad. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I want to take up less space. I want to need fewer things. I don’t want my body to have needs. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to make mistakes. I don’t want to break the rules. I don’t want people to laugh at me. I want to be convenient. I don’t want to have upsetting emotions. I want to stop having feelings. These are what I call the life goals of dead people, because what they all have in…

The Life Goals of Dead People - by Ozy Brennan

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