flâneur

realizations & transformative moments - by Spencer Chang

spencerchang.substack.com · 975 words · saved by 2 readers

These past couple of months have been fruitful for realizations. They were simple—most likely things my subconscious has always known but never accepted. Here’s a list for reminding myself of the truths that matter. One. For a long time, I thought the issues I struggle with most were common to everyone. I thought I failed to overcome them in my early age, that I needed to “catch up” to how others had adapted. I thought social anxiety was something that came with the territory of being an introvert. I assumed others who liked to be alone did so out of necessity rather than mere preference, an escape from the overwhelming pressure of crowds. I thought it was normal to have moments where alarm steals your ability to breathe and think. At some level, I knew that things were wrong, but I had normalized my experience of being different. Being overwhelmed with the feeling of judgment by new people, prospective partners, attractive strangers, and respected mentors was an everyday experience. I suspect that's where my naturally anxious personality comes from. I'm most afraid, most tensed, most uncomfortable approaching the people that I'm drawn to. I realize now that this isn’t common. I’m trying to view the tension as my body telling me that I care. Dispelling the notion that I need to catch up, I have the space to be at peace with this behavior, to make space for myself, to let go of the pressure to “normalize” myself.

These past couple of months have been fruitful for realizations. They were simple—most likely things my subconscious has always known but never accepted. Here’s a list for reminding myself of the truths that matter. One. For a long time, I thought the issues I struggle with most were common to everyone. I thought I failed to overcome them in my early age, that I needed to “catch up” to how others had adapted. I thought social anxiety was something that came with the territory of being an introvert. I assumed others who liked to be alone did so out of necessity rather than mere preference,…

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