flâneur

The paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, I change

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Almost three years ago, I wrote an essay, called “Looking for Alice,” about how I met my wife Johanna. This is a prequel of sorts. See also: part 2 and part 3 of the series. The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. —Carl Rogers On various hard drives and USB sticks stored in our barn, I keep the diaries from my university years, 2010–2014. Last week I reread them for the first time since I wrote them. It was interesting, but also uncomfortable, to see myself at such a distance. Many of the things that were important to me then are not visible from here (I only see blurry outlines of the situations I was in and what I thought), while other things, which I couldn’t see at all then, stand out clearly now. It’s like when you zoom in on a graph, you mostly see the small daily fluctuations, while when you zoom out, you see the trend. I spend page after page interpreting the nuances of the situations I’m in, without seeing that the situations all resem

Almost three years ago, I wrote an essay, called “Looking for Alice,” about how I met my wife Johanna. This is a prequel of sorts. See also: part 2 and part 3 of the series. The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. —Carl Rogers On various hard drives and USB sticks stored in our barn, I keep the diaries from my university years, 2010–2014. Last week I reread them for the first time since I wrote them. It was interesting, but also uncomfortable, to see myself at such a distance. Many of the things that were important to me then are not visible from…

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