✳flâneur — a map of the web's best reading

The Weirdness of Dating/Mating: Deep Nonconsent Preference — LessWrong

lesswrong.com · 10,164 words · saved by 1 readers

Every time I see someone mention statistics on nonconsent kink online, someone else is surprised by how common it is. So let’s start with some statistics from Lehmiller[1]: roughly two thirds of women and half of men have some fantasy of being raped. A lot of these are more of a rapeplay fantasy than an actual rape fantasy, but for purposes of this post we don’t need to get into those particular weeds. The important point is: the appeal of nonconsent is the baseline, not the exception, especially for women. But this post isn’t really about rape fantasies. I claim that the preference for nonconsent typically runs a lot deeper than a sex fantasy, mostly showing up in ways less extreme and emotionally loaded. I also claim that “deep nonconsent preference”, specifically among women, is the main thing driving the apparent “weirdness” of dating/mating practices compared to other human matching practices (like e.g. employer/employee matching). Let’s go through a few examples, to illustrate wh

x The Weirdness of Dating/Mating: Deep Nonconsent Preference — LessWrong Relationships (Interpersonal) World Modeling Frontpage 6 The Weirdness of Dating/Mating: Deep Nonconsent Preference by johnswentworth 2nd Jan 2026 7 min read 72 6 Every time I see someone mention statistics on nonconsent kink online, someone else is surprised by how common it is. So let’s start with some statistics from Lehmiller [1] : roughly two thirds of women and half of men have some fantasy of being raped. A lot of these are more of a rapeplay fantasy than an actual rape fantasy, but for purposes of this post we don

Explore this link on the map →

related reading