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In the drama of life, we don’t have to settle for being actors – we can be writers, too. Not everyone can afford to do this work. Not everyone’s contributions receive equal credit. But for those of us willing and able, awkward moments are an alert that our current social scripts are not working, and an opportunity to get to work writing better ones.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysWomen are often tasked with managing others’ moods and are expected to get along with others; this ‘emotional labour’ includes the work of repairing social interactions that become awkward. There’s a privilege in not worrying about others’ discomfort.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysIf we understand awkwardness in terms of social scripts, things are different: the person might work with friends or colleagues to think about ways to build pronouns into introductions, or emails, or the structure of meetings.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysInstead of thinking about it as a personal failure – a cringeworthy source of personal embarrassment, or shame – it can be recognised for what it is: the result of collective ignorance or absence.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysInstead of thinking about it as a personal failure – a cringeworthy source of personal embarrassment, or shame – it can be recognised for what it is: the result of collective ignorance or absence.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysFor many people, navigating the demands of daily life requires giving a good deal of thought to the placement of light switches, doorknobs and the like. For people who are neurodivergent, who struggle with reading facial cues, or who find themselves in unfamiliar social settings, the world is full of rooms with unpredictable, unreachable infrastructure. Awkwardness is a reminder that social infrastructure exists and that it is not equally accessible to everyone.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysIts aversiveness shows the extent to which people prefer not to be reminded of this fact. And the lucky among us may not have to be.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysAwkwardness highlights the fact that our interactions are scripted.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysUnderstood in these terms, awkwardness won’t necessarily become any less unpleasant to experience. But it’s worth paying more attention to when and where it arises, and be more willing to tackle it head-on
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysIn many cases, though, it was awkward all along: that awkwardness was just being borne by someone else, as they tried to conform to others’ expectations.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysI may mistake my own discomfort at Rob’s presence for a property of Rob – projecting my own feelings of awkwardness on to him in a sort of pathetic fallacy
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysBut there are practical as well as theoretical reasons for resisting the idea that awkwardness is an individual trait. The label ‘awkward’ is not as innocuous as it seems: it’s ambiguous, and it obscures more than it reveals.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysAwkwardness requires the presence of others: individuals aren’t awkward, interactions are.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysKnowing social scripts is one thing; truly internalising them is another. From the Italian sprezzatura to the French nonchalance to the Chinese concept of wu wei, various traditions have admired the ability ‘to practise in everything a certain nonchalance that shall conceal design and show that what is done and said is done without effort’, as the 16th-century Italian diplomat Baldassare Castiglione put it. By contrast, contemporary putdowns like ‘try-hard’ or ‘pick me’ show that it’s not enough to know the social script; its execution should look effortless.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysAwkwardness requires the presence of others: individuals aren’t awkward, interactions are
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysAnd like improvisation, successful social interaction depends on a cooperative partner willing to go along with the scene.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysA character on the TV show My So-Called Life (1994-5) summed up the problem: ‘What I, like, dread is when people who know you in completely different ways end up in the same area. And you have to develop this, like, combination you on the spot.’
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysWhen a performance fails, the actor feels discredited – to use Goffman’s term, he loses ‘face’.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysBut the lesson of awkwardness is that, in the dramedy of life, we’re not just the actors, we’re the writers.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysAwkwardness is a kind of normative negative space, offering what Adam Kotsko calls ‘insight through breakdown
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysBut awkwardness is a collective production
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysEmbarrassment is thus a kind of social repair. But awkwardness is different: it’s not something an individual causes, and it’s not something an individual can resolve on their own; it’s a social rupture. The failure involved in embarrassment is a failure to conform to existing norms. Awkwardness is different: it happens when we don’t have a social script to conform to. In other words, embarrassment happens when we violate socially prescribed scripts; awkwardness happens when we lack prescriptions to guide us.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysThis focus on individuals suggests that the best way to avoid awkwardness is through silence and conformity – to imitate others, blend in, and say nothing.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysIs awkwardness a funny, quirky, everyday occurrence, something we should learn to live with and even embrace? Is it a serious social inhibitor with negative implications for moral decision-making and social change? Or – in truly awkward fashion – might it be both?
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon EssaysWe often joke about awkwardness; it’s a staple of contemporary comedy. The exclamation ‘Awkward!’ functions as a light-hearted deflection, defusing social tension.
We should take awkwardness less personally, and more seriously | Aeon Essays