flâneur

Zhengwei Ng

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on the atlas — 23

highlights — 32

  • No problem is too small or too trivial if we can really do something about it.
    Do not remain nameless to yourself | Matter
  • The worthwhile problems are the ones you can really solve or help solve, the ones you can really contribute something to.
    Do not remain nameless to yourself | Matter
  • We use what we love constantly, but we’re also responsible for taking good care of it. I am trying to be more careful about how I change other people. When we love each other, we alter how we move through time.
    to be loved is to be changed | Matter
  • Mistakes in love can feel existential.
    to be loved is to be changed | Matter
  • To be loved is to be changed. The people we love shape our language, our thoughts and our choices.
    to be loved is to be changed | Matter
  • give love and accept love in a way that feels earnest.
    to be loved is to be changed | Matter
  • we’re not taught how to ask hard questions of both ourselves and others.
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • Self-awareness: how can you go after what you want if you don’t know what you want? Tactful honesty. Two tweets about this:
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • She lived in a different country, and he was explaining that he thought he should cancel his upcoming visit because he’d decided that he didn’t want a serious and committed relationship with her. She said that that was fine and he should come anyway, she wanted to see him. And he said, Well, I don’t really know if we’re on the same page. I feel like you’re verbally agreeing with me but you actually hope that if I come visit you might change my mind.
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • It takes so much practice to get good articulating the deep sentiment behind the shallow one
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • I think it’s only when we’re able to communicate the precise observation, the actual feeling, that we can make real progress.
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • I would sometimes be in the early stages of dating someone and feel like there was a glass wall between us, I just didn’t really get them, I didn’t know what they wanted from me, and it was so hard for me to have any clarity about who they really are.
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • I think what I want more than anything else is someone who’s a really phenomenal communicator.
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • people should be actively looking for is strong emotional connection, as in: to what degree can I share who I am with this person, do they get it, how interested are they in who I am, my feelings and thoughts, can we accommodate each other’s preferences, are we good at talking.
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • the thing that’s really hard about dating is that it tends to bring out all your attachment issues, problems you’ve inherited from your parents, primal fear of rejection, etc so it’s really, really hard (basically impossible) to fake being different than you are.
    the agony of eros: dating - by Ava - bookbear express
  • say the thing you can't fake it or pretend it, it'll show through and all it does is stop you from connecting to someone in a real way consistently saying what you want to say is a strength not a vulnerability be self-aware enough to disclose the ugly things about yourself (charismatic people often weaponize their vulnerability)
    how to: healthier relationships
  • don't hope for people to change to keep the fantasy of a happy future alive people change only when they're ready, not because we hope they will
    how to: healthier relationships
  • don't force relationship into a shape
    how to: healthier relationships
  • advocate for your needs, be upfront about what you're looking for there's no "convincing" people: love should be freely given and never coerced
    how to: healthier relationships
  • Treat everything that happens to you as material and write it down.
    how to avoid half-heartedness | Matter
  • The thing I like about writing is that it’s quite literally thinking—a way for me access my own interiority and construct something from it.
    how to avoid half-heartedness | Matter
  • You have so much within you. Pay attention to it. Pay attention to your feelings of discomfort and uncertainty—watch yourself as you think and feel.
    how to avoid half-heartedness | Matter
  • they’re also indicative of a desire to place happiness outside of ourselves.
    how to avoid half-heartedness | Matter
  • people come alive when they’re serious about what they love
    how to avoid half-heartedness | Matter
  • is that if you tolerate too much half-heartedness, it’s probably because you’re half-hearted. As in: anxious and ambivalent, looking for reassurance. As in: bored, along for the ride, not really sure about your own feelings and opinions. As in: external locus of control vs internal locus of control. You probably don’t have anything in your life that really tethers you to yourself—you don’t have conviction about what you love, so you’re hoping that someone else will provide you that certainty.
    how to avoid half-heartedness | Matter
  • if the person you like likes you back, you can probably tell. If you’re not sure they like you, they’re almost certainly half-hearted or conflicted or lukewarm.
    how to avoid half-heartedness | Matter
  • The concept of “settling” and the obsession with perfect romantic compatibility are both born of the idea that a relationship must maximize utility: there exists a set of variables that together form one’s utility function and the goal is to optimize them. Line up all of your variables and add them up, one by one: what you are left with is a single neat little number that represents the compression and distillation of the very concept of love. Highest number wins! This is what happens when utilitarian ethics infect love: you are left with a math problem.
    Love is not a math problem | Matter
  • There is a whole life left out there for you to build with someone who loves you.
    Love is not a math problem | Matter
  • I’d wager that most people today are not failing to be compatible—they are failing to commit.
    Love is not a math problem | Matter
  • Commitment is required to build anything meaningful over a long enough time horizon. Relationships are committed bets. Love is born from a commitment and nurtured in growth and shared experiences. Commitment is the only way for compounding bets to reach escape velocity.
    Love is not a math problem | Matter
  • true love begins with the patient building of small, daily rituals. It is the unfurling of the day to day into the story of a lifetime.
    Love is not a math problem | Matter
  • Love is intractable; it requires a small dose of irrationality.
    Love is not a math problem | Matter