ajna bi

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on the atlas — 56

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I know that, if you can pull it off, you should continuously have mentors, and be offering mentorship. This can be as formal or informal as you want. I know that almost nobody hears too many sincere compliments. Compliment them to their face. Then, compliment them behind their back. Practice naming pleasant feelings you have about people, as soon as they bubble up, in the moment: “It’s always fun to see you.” Lower the resistance around this to zero.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that simplistic stories about happiness leave out crucial details. For example: Yes, relationships are more important than career, ultimately. But some career success might give you a greater ability to locate people you’re compatible with later on, as friends or partners.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know how to handle a day when you feel extremely lazy. Decide that, given that you’re a lazy person, you will work diligently for only 30 entirely focused minutes on the most important thing, and then take the rest of the day off. You will do your best work on these days.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that freedom is earned by confronting things that embarrass and trigger you, over and over again, until you are cringe-proof in your desired environment. I know that it is powerful to state your weaknesses and limitations. Try this on for size: “I’m abandoning this debate because you are more qualified to have an opinion.” “I’d like to finish this project quickly because I don’t like to work hard.” “I realize that I don’t believe what’s coming out of my mouth.” “I’m worried that I’m taking this decision too seriously and I’m not adding value by fretting over it.”
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that if you have a serious dispute with someone, it will go nowhere unless you clearly name the underlying emotion that you’re struggling with. If you’re afraid that your partner will abandon you, cataloging their flaws will not communicate this effectively. I know that if you are not unusually hard-working or competitive or smart, you can still distinguish yourself. Be unusual in some other noticeable, likable way—unusually honest, brave, generous, curious, or pleasant. All of these attributes are composed of discrete behaviors that can be learned through practice.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that if your significant other asks you to do an irritating-for-them task that is not especially difficult, you should be thankful. They have given you an unambiguous way to earn points in the relationship, which is how you get a nice life going. Usually, achieving personal flourishing is more complex than taking out the garbage. I know that in a really great relationship or friendship, you should be able to state your needs without explanation. “I need attention.” “Some cheese would make me happy.” “I want to express a feeling that I don’t endorse.” “I am looking for a compliment.” “Ca…
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
Emotional suppression can be a great short-term coping strategy. The problem, long-term, is that it is not surgically precise. I know you can’t suppress pain and anger without also deadening yourself generally. When I started to release my childhood resentments, I was surprised to find myself surrounded by brighter colors.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that environmental influence is the most effective form of behavioral control. Accordingly, if you want radical change, radically change your environment. Being in the wrong city will cancel out years of self-improvement.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know a ridiculous-sounding tip that could make your whole life more satisfying. You might be breathing too high up in your chest. To correct this instantly, pretend you’re breathing through your asshole.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know how to spot real confidence. Look for people who are fluid with status—who allow themselves to be the butt of a joke, or accept criticism, but also avoid false modesty, and inhabit the spotlight when it falls on them. One might call this a balance between dignity and humility. Pro tip: people who always cling to high status aren’t confident in the normal sense, they are cult leader types, which is a different animal.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that sometimes people unfairly collapse reality via cliche. Your money management issue might be described as a “first world problem,” or your changing desires a “midlife crisis,” by yourself or others. This is a way of dismissing your complexity.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I am not the funniest person, but I am funny enough, and I know how to become funnier if you’re not naturally gifted at comedy. Simply say the stupidest things that enter your head, in a normal tone of voice.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that it’s easy to observe when people are feeling insecure. Notice how much they are mentioning their positive attributes, material possessions, or important friends, when there’s no conversational reason for this to be occurring other than a status claim. It is harder to spot yourself doing this, but it is worth the effort — you are likely doing it occasionally. I certainly do
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that limerence can be misleading. It can be the beginning of a good relationship, or a complete disaster. If someone feels like the answer to the question of your life, you might want to address the fundamental sense of lack that they are triggering.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
Listening is a neglected social skill. But I know that an even more neglected social skill is candor.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that you cannot skip to the punchline of the cosmic joke. If you’re ambitious, it will be hard to believe that achievement won’t make you completely happy until you accumulate some achievements, and notice the gaps in your happiness. Legend has it that the Buddha woke up at 35, and this seems about right — by your mid-thirties, you have probably been productively disillusioned by at least one serious personal disappointment.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that talent doesn’t feel like you’re amazing. It feels like the difficulties that trouble others are mysteriously absent in your case. Don’t ask yourself where your true gifts lie. Ask what other people seem weirdly bad at
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that the people who will make you feel warm and fuzzy when you’re sad, and the people who will give you brutally honest feedback, are usually different people. Ideally you want to have relationships with both kinds, and reward them for their strengths, rather than getting mad at them for failing to do what they’re bad at.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that hospitality is one domain in which giving is receiving. I’ve regretted spending money on many things, but never food I’ve fed to friends.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that most people overrate the difficulty of hard conversations, and underrate how good it is to have them. Conflict avoidance slowly rots your whole life, and many people are about eight awkward discussions from a much-improved existence. In other words, go squash all of your beefs. This book is a decent start if you have no idea how to do this.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I know that being silly is a gift. You un-taboo silliness for everyone around you.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
I’ve worked with hundreds of unhappy creative people, and I can boil down most of my transferable insight into one sentence. I know that it feels horrible to create from a place of defense. For example: you will find it exceedingly difficult to write if your motive is trying to convince people that you are not dumb, or not boring, or if you’re hoping that you will not offend anybody.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
It’s strange, but I know that it’s common to resist positive emotions, as well as negative ones. Ask yourself, next time you’re doing something enjoyable: are you really surrendering to the full enjoyment available here? The answer will often be no. Perhaps this has something to do with how displays of rapturous delight are often discouraged in adolescence.
50 things I know - by Sasha Chapin - Sasha's 'Newsletter'
The fear of developing “bad” taste, or taste that diverges from the mainstream, can paralyse creatives, stifling their creative growth and leading them to try to borrow or buy taste through bootcamps, curated inspiration documents or sheer are.na-driven osmosis. While it’s probably one of the corniest things I’ll ever write in this column, I’ve come to believe that developing taste is not so unlike going to therapy; it’s an inefficient, time-consuming process that mostly entails looking inward and identifying whatever already moves you. It’s the product of devouring ideas, images and pieces of…
Elizabeth Goodspeed on the importance of taste – and how to acquire it
yler Bainbridge, one of the site’s editors, said that “everyone wants to feel like their taste is important.” But if everyone is a tastemaker, is anyone? Or have we simply manifested a cult of curation where the appearance of having good taste is an end in itself?
Elizabeth Goodspeed on the importance of taste – and how to acquire it
I suspect the rise of inspiration-sharing platforms might be making me, and everyone else on the collaborative internet, more focused on publicising our taste rather than feeding it.
Elizabeth Goodspeed on the importance of taste – and how to acquire it
I considered whether I'd ever been loved properly by those who I've dated in the past. I've certainly received heaps of sunshine and deep connection and love from partners, and enjoyed wonderful relationships that I still cherish. But there has always been something missing. I've never been with a person that has understood me sufficiently to love me as I'd like to be loved. There's always been a significant mismatch somewhere, whether it's been values, the places that made us feel the most at home, the ways that we most wanted to spend our days, or the communication styles that came most easi…
Love as a Verb
Two or three portfolio tips? What matters to you in particular? Be brief, get right to the work. We don’t want to see FigJam screenshots or pictures of sticky notes. The best portfolios show beautiful, high-fidelity work as fast as possible. The cream that rises have well-done prototypes. Anything else a candidate should know? Duolingo has 5 senior designer, manager and director roles available for product design. Lead with your work → Building teams at Duolingo and Instagram prior, we start by looking for exceptionally well-crafted portfolios—particularly with mobile product. Strong visual de…
Open Role at Duolingo: Senior Product Designer, Music
I want to give other people the gift of allowing themselves to be sad and confused and fearful, like all animals are. It’s a massive disservice to humanity that we all pretend we’re not afraid and bewildered a lot of the time, no matter how old we are. You would be amazed at the layers and layers of shame and fear that are acting on everyone you know, including the wisest, calmest humans among them. Smart people struggle with neuroticism a lot, I want to add. And it takes a lot of very good habits and a lot of compassion for yourself and others to step back from that puzzle. You can’t turn eve…
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People get tired of hearing this from me, but intimacy with others necessarily includes facing yourself, reckoning with what you truly desire, humbling yourself, noticing your bad habits, and observing your defense mechanisms. You have to be able to admit the many, many ways you fuck up and blame others and distance yourself every day in order to be a good friend to another flawed human being. You have to take responsibility for the fact that you are a fallible animal, ruled by huge emotions, and you’re never going to get it exactly right – never, ever, ever. When you surrender to that simple …
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omehow I ended up with two very close friends, both of whom are extremely sensitive, emotional, intense, creative, grounded, and absolutely uninterested in our culture’s notions about how a person should be – to return to that theme! I think I’ve historically been attracted to slightly more guarded, avoidant people at times. I probably admired that control, and I feared emotional people who might get anxious and needy, which was just a side effect of my shame and self-hatred, honestly, because I can be anxious and needy myself. But I can’t gush enough about how rewarding it’s been to love peop…
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Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more Bookbear Express is a newsletter where we figure out how to navigate complex emotions together. Talking about friendship with Heather Havrilesky a new interview series!!! AVA MAY 22 READ IN APP Helen Frankenthaler, Nepenthe, 1972 To say that I’m a fan of Ask Polly would be a huge understatement. Before I discovered yoga, meditation, or psychedelics, I was soothing myself with Heather’s writing. At the time Ask Polly ran in New York magazine and I would go back through the archives until I’d read every single answer. Then I would go to The Awl, wher…
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Around 2019, my focus shifted from asking “who’s fucking with me?” to asking “how do I continue to fuck with myself?” Once you finally break away from seeing other people your most important puzzle to solve, then I think you can move on to more interesting puzzles, and eventually you put the puzzles on a high shelf, breathe in the air, and savor your existence as a wild, curious, brilliant animal in a terrifying and beautiful world. That sharp turn away from blaming others happens once you finally address your shame. Shame is something everyone has, thanks to our shame-ruled, shame-dispensing …
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I’m reminded of something a friend wrote about how they decided to take a break from life for a few weeks, disregarding their fitness, diet, obligations, etc, and they just ended up feeling like shit because of it. Turns out that you can’t really do that for longer than maybe a week before things start to get bad. Hey, it’s another form of the chocolate dosage puzzle. How much chocolate is good? How long can you enjoy living in filth? Even a beach vacation in paradise gets tiresome eventually
"Are you having fun, son?" - by visakan veerasamy
When I was really young, fun was simple, fun was reading books, fun was playing video games, watching television. The sheer rush of say, hearing the theme song of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a kid on a Saturday morning, is something that’s hard to match as an adult. (Why DID all those 90s kids cartoons and tv shows have such excellent theme songs?) As I got older, fun got more complicated. I specifically remember hearing things from adults like, “you should work hard in your youth, make sacrifices now, and then you can have fun later in life.” I always thought that was a grotesque line of …
"Are you having fun, son?" - by visakan veerasamy
When I was really young, fun was simple, fun was reading books, fun was playing video games, watching television. The sheer rush of say, hearing the theme song of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a kid on a Saturday morning, is something that’s hard to match as an adult. (Why DID all those 90s kids cartoons and tv shows have such excellent theme songs?) As I got older, fun got more complicated. I specifically remember hearing things from adults like, “you should work hard in your youth, make sacrifices now, and then you can have fun later in life.” I always thought that was a grotesque line of …
"Are you having fun, son?" - by visakan veerasamy
In real-life scenarios, collaboration often involves working side by side, exploring multiple options simultaneously, and refining details collectively. To unlock the full potential of AI tools for users, we must adopt a collaborative mental model that mirrors this real-life approach. Here are four key considerations: Providing a Permanent Canvas: Introducing a shared permanent canvas allows users to track changes and evaluate updates effortlessly, similar to Microsoft Copilot’s model. Enabling Comparison of Options: Users should have the ability to explore and compare multiple options directl…
Rethinking AI Design: Beyond Chat-Based Interfaces | by Samarth Pandey | May, 2024 | Medium
Like suppose someone asked me “why do you write?” Well. It’s a tough question to answer. How much time do you have? If I have only one tweet to answer the question, I might say something like “I write because I love words”. Which is the truth, and it feels to me like possibly the most important truth. George Orwell wrote an essay titled “Why I Write” in 1946, which is about 2,700 words long. Of this he spends the first 1000 words talking about his backstory, because— “I do not think one can assess a writer’s motives without knowing something of his early development”— before he lists out “Shee…
if i'm honest with myself - by visakan veerasamy
Competencies Communication skills are a must – we have lots of presentations to product owners and users who need to understand the rationale behind your proposals. Self-motivation. Although you’ll have a buddy to learn from and work with when you arrive, we really value people who take initiative and can be trusted to do things on their own. Experience and knowledge designing digital products and systems. Our work is web based so we’d like to see web apps. A big plus would be to see real results from one of your designs that people use. An appreciation of complex systems and an ability to und…
Trainee Product Designer - London, United Kingdom
Four years later, I’m happy to report that shame *does* slowly fade away the more you relentlessly notice it, study it, question it, and sometimes kick it violently to the curb so you can proceed through life with courage and conviction. I felt much older and more embarrassing in 2018 than I do now, in part because I refuse to let knee-jerk self-hatred, second-guessing, and neurotic over-analysis slow me down. Slowly chipping away at my shame has made me happier than pretty much anything else I’ve ever done for my emotional health. That’s probably true because I’m both naturally anxious, an ov…
‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’
On the topic of subverting conventions, she similarly pushes back on concerns over how her more plaintive music will translate to festival audiences like the one at Coachella later this month. “We don’t have to be bouncing around in a leotard and have fireworks coming out of I don’t know where,” Aftab says. “Slow jams can be sexy and they can be loud and they can be bangers. And we’ve known this for a long time! I’m glad that there’s a return of that sentiment happening amongst concertgoers and listeners, who are like, Yeeeeeeah!!! Break my heart again!!” At the same time, anyone who sees Afta…
Arooj Aftab Interview: Best New Artist Nominee On \\\'Vulture Prince\\\'
She cites additional contemporaries with a like-minded approach, such as the multidimensional neo-soul star Meshell Ndegeocello and fellow Berklee alum Esperanza Spaling — individuals who can pivot between styles and extremes while always sounding in their pocket. “These are all people who create very personal music and don’t really fit into any heritage or any place or any time period,” Aftab admires. “That’s the kind of artist I want to be.
Arooj Aftab Interview: Best New Artist Nominee On \\\'Vulture Prince\\\'
After that, though, you need to forget that she exists. Don’t talk about her, don’t think about her, don’t write about her, don’t picture her. When you’re tempted to think about her, you need to say these words. I DON’T KNOW HER. SHE IS NOT IN MY LIFE. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Then you need to take a long, hard look at your life, and figure out what you really want, and you need to GO OUT AND GET IT. Because, look, do you want to spend the next five years thinking about someone who you don’t even know? Do you want to destroy the love you have with these obsessions and fixations and this …
Ask Polly: I Am Obsessed With My Boyfriend’s Evil Ex-Girlfriend — And Her Blog! (And Their Dogs!) | by Heather Havrilesky | The Awl | Medium
Again, your situation is TOTALLY understandable. Your feelings are understandable. Even your OBSESSION is understandable. Honestly. But it’s a sign that things aren’t quite right in your life. Obsession only goes in the warm, moist Petri dish of confusion. You are looking for a distraction from your own challenges.
Ask Polly: I Am Obsessed With My Boyfriend’s Evil Ex-Girlfriend — And Her Blog! (And Their Dogs!) | by Heather Havrilesky | The Awl | Medium
You’re not feeling fragile about this because she’s somehow better than you. You’re feeling fragile because, instead of believing in your own dreams and working towards what you want from your life, you’re distracting yourself with her. You’re all wrapped up in their past, their drama, their weirdness, long after they themselves (officially) left it behind. You are procrastinating. You are distracting yourself from something you don’t want to deal with. You’ve found a distraction big and colorful enough to provide an extended escape from the hard work you still have to do on yourself.
Ask Polly: I Am Obsessed With My Boyfriend’s Evil Ex-Girlfriend — And Her Blog! (And Their Dogs!) | by Heather Havrilesky | The Awl | Medium
The central message of Ask Polly, week after week, is the same: You have to find solid ground inside your body if you want to feel happy. Quieting your mind and feeling where you are is the first step. Retiring your dusty old stories about how selfish and pathetic you are is a prerequisite to that. You notice your enormous shame and you set it aside, again and again. And slowly, you attune yourself to how your body works — what makes it nervous, what makes it sad, what makes it embarrassed, what makes it tell your brain FIX THIS, DO SOMETHING, CHANGE THIS NOW!
'I Always Sabotage Everything!' - by Heather Havrilesky
But your body refuses this story, doesn’t it? In fact, when she tells you these things, your body says “No, I can’t live that way!” And when you crave love and reassurance, you feel it inside your body first. Your body doesn’t just say “It would be nice to feel safer and more at peace” or “I would like for my love to tell me that he loves me.” Your body sees the water shaking inside your water glass. Your body sees heavy objects teetering on high shelves. Your need for love and reassurance — for solid, calm people who can talk about reality without clamming up or running away — is more than ju…
'I Always Sabotage Everything!' - by Heather Havrilesky
The enemy of peace is a neurotic mind that wants to fix everything at once. As you sit here, notice the way your mind circles, wanting better answers, more solutions, something to fix the way you feel. Your mind wants you to repair something mysterious that’s wrong with you, the part that “always sabotages everything.” Your mind learned this bad story a long time ago, and now it infuses your existence with shame constantly: You’re being selfish again. Why can’t you just be grateful for what you have?
'I Always Sabotage Everything!' - by Heather Havrilesky
s my therapist used to say, “You have to learn to sit with the unknown.” That’s probably the biggest takeaway I had from therapy, but I have no idea how to implement in my love life. I mean I'm pretty good at the unknown overall, but when it comes to my relationships it’s not great
'I Always Sabotage Everything!' - by Heather Havrilesky
All I want to do is use my words to show you what you already have. That takes time and effort and focus, really, a kind of focus that’s hard to manage when you yourself feel a little ragged and soft and overwhelmed. But that focus, slow as it can be, is good for my soul and good for yours. Focus is good for you. Slowness is good for you. This moment of rest, this dormant season, this humiliating sensation that everything you did and built and became was a farce, is… I don’t want to say it’s good for you. But things will grow here. This is mulch. It smells like death and looks like mush but it…
'I Want Him Back!' - by Heather Havrilesky - Ask Polly