The Life Goals of Dead People - by Ozy Brennan
These are what I call the life goals of dead people, because what they all have in common is that the best possible person to achieve them is a corpse. Corpses don’t need anything, not even to breathe. Corpses don’t hurt anyone or anger people or fail or make mistakes or break rules. Corpses don’t have feelings, and therefore can’t possibly have feelings that are inappropriate or annoying. Once funeral arrangements have been made, corpses rot peacefully without burdening anyone. Compare with some other goals: I want to write a great novel. I want to be a good parent to my kids. I want to help people. I want to get a raise. I want to learn linear algebra. I want to watch every superhero movie ever filmed. I don’t want to die of cancer. I don’t want the world to be destroyed in a nuclear conflagration. I don’t want my cat to be stuck in this burning building! AAAAA! GET HER OUT OF THERE All of these are goals that dead people are noticeably bad at. Robert Jordan aside, corpses very rarel
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