i don't know how to be loved without earning it - by harls

i don’t know how to be loved unless i’m useful. unless i’ve done something that really truly makes me worthy of someone’s love. unless i’ve made their life easier, carried something heavy for them on my shoulders, fixed something in them that they deemed broken. love, to me, has always felt transactional. i learnt this from a young age. love always seemed to come after the praise, the good grades, after being quiet after i was told to be “seen and not heard”, after putting every single fucking person before myself. it came in the form of “i’m so proud of you” when i accomplished something, not in the form of “i love you” just because i existed. it was something that took time to earn, but could easily be snatched away from me the second i stepped out of line. growing up, guys would claim to ‘love’ you if you submitted yourself to them, did what they said, said what they wanted, sent what they needed. love felt like a drug i had to pay for using myself as currency. with friends, they te

i don’t know how to be loved unless i’m useful. unless i’ve done something that really truly makes me worthy of someone’s love. unless i’ve made their life easier, carried something heavy for them on my shoulders, fixed something in them that they deemed broken. love, to me, has always felt transactional. i learnt this from a young age. love always seemed to come after the praise, the good grades, after being quiet after i was told to be “seen and not heard”, after putting every single fucking person before myself. it came in the form of “i’m so proud of you” when i accomplished something, not