permission - by Ava - bookbear express

January has been a month of revelations, though I’m always worried about how real they are and how long they’ll last. Still, it feels like I’m changing, breaking through to something different. I don’t know the cause. I think the biggest change is a sense of permission I’ve always looked to external reassurance to steady myself. I wanted to be liked, to be loved, to be validated, to be told I was doing the right thing. When I received that reassurance I felt good. When I didn’t, I felt frantic, panicked. Of course everyone tells you you should give the validation to yourself. I knew that. But I think I didn’t actually know how to do it. It’s like telling someone who’s insecure about their appearance, “You’re beautiful. Stop worrying.” All my life I’ve worked hard for love. In Leslie Jamison’s new memoir, Splinters, she writes about how her mom is the only one she never needs to impress: “Her love was not a fish I did my seal tricks for. As long as she never died, I would be okay.” I kn

January has been a month of revelations, though I’m always worried about how real they are and how long they’ll last. Still, it feels like I’m changing, breaking through to something different. I don’t know the cause. I think the biggest change is a sense of permission I’ve always looked to external reassurance to steady myself. I wanted to be liked, to be loved, to be validated, to be told I was doing the right thing. When I received that reassurance I felt good. When I didn’t, I felt frantic, panicked. Of course everyone tells you you should give the validation to yourself. I knew that. But