dating apps are marketplaces, not alignment engines

i had dinner with a friend tonight & we landed on this: the idea that you’ll meet someone on a dating app who genuinely shares your value structures is now basically very very very unlikely, almost lottery odds. why? well real alignment—the kind that makes relationships durable happens in shared environments where people do things together, not in a context explicitly designed for transactional selection. dating apps optimize for attention & short-term validation. the mechanisms are obvious: swipe-driven dopamine loops, gamified chat mechanics, & profile curation that rewards optics over substance. these aren’t systems for finding deep compatibility; they’re engineered to maximize engagement. this wasn’t always as true. early online dating had a broader mix of intent. but as apps iterated toward revenue, they leaned into dynamics that prioritize volume over depth. now, they function more like social casinos—high-frequency, high-variance, designed to keep you playing rather than finding

i had dinner with a friend tonight & we landed on this: the idea that you’ll meet someone on a dating app who genuinely shares your value structures is now basically very very very unlikely, almost lottery odds. why? well real alignment—the kind that makes relationships durable happens in shared environments where people do things together, not in a context explicitly designed for transactional selection. dating apps optimize for attention & short-term validation. the mechanisms are obvious: swipe-driven dopamine loops, gamified chat mechanics, & profile curation that rewards optics over subst