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Ask and Guess - LessWrong

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There's a concept (inspired by a Metafilter blog post) of ask culture vs. guess culture.In "ask culture," it's socially acceptable to ask for a favor -- staying over at a friend's house, requesting a raise or a letter of recommendation -- and equally acceptable to refuse a favor. Asking is literally just inquiring if the request will be granted, and it's never wrong to ask, provided you know you might be refused. In "guess culture," however, you're expected to guess if your request is appropriate, and you are rude if you accidentally make a request that's judged excessive or inappropriate. You can develop a reputation as greedy or thoughtless if you make inappropriate requests. When an asker and a guesser collide, the results are awful. I've seen it in marriages, for example. Husband: "Could you iron my shirt? I have a meeting today." Wife: "Can't you see I'm packing lunches and I'm not even dressed yet? You're so insensitive!" Husband: "But I just asked. You could have just said no if you were too busy -- you don't have to yell at me!" Wife: "But you should pay enough attention to me to know when you shouldn't ask!" It's not clear how how the asking vs. guessing divide works. Some individual peopleare more comfortable asking than guessing, and vice versa. It's also possible that some families, and some cultures, are more "ask-based" than "guess-based." (Apparently East Asia is more "guess-based" than the US.) It also varies from situation to situation: "Will you marry me?" is a question you should only ask if you know the answer is yes, but "Would you like to get coffee with me?" is the kind of question you should ask freely and not worry too much about rejection. There's a lot of scope for rationality in deciding when to ask and when to guess. I'm a guesser, myself. But that means I often pass up the opportunity to get what I want, because I'm afraid of being judged as "greedy" if I make an inappropriate request. If you're a systematic "asker" or a systemat

x Ask and Guess — LessWrong Communication Cultures Distinctions Frontpage 153 Ask and Guess by [anonymous] 1st Dec 2010 2 min read 71 153 There's a concept (inspired by a Metafilter blog post) of ask culture vs. guess culture. In "ask culture," it's socially acceptable to ask for a favor -- staying over at a friend's house, requesting a raise or a letter of recommendation -- and equally acceptable to refuse a favor. Asking is literally just inquiring if the request will be granted, and it's never wrong to ask, provided you know you might be refused. In "guess culture," however, you're expected

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