seeing - by Elaine - manners & mystery

I have a desire to know, even if the knowing might hurt me. Some people would rather not know. They may be avoiding their feelings. I can’t do that. My feelings are like a flashlight in the dark. I can’t help but look to where they point, even if what they point to is unsightly. When something triggers me, I want to know more about it, to understand its power over me. I become, admittedly, a little obsessed. Like pressing a bruise, the pain is familiar. Why must you do this to yourself? asks a mothering voice in my head. As a writer, I’m curious about people, about the treachery of relationships. Every writer has a trace of the masochist in them. I’m better equipped for this journey through the dark forest than I used to be. My brain is less likely to jump to conclusions, to come up with theories that justify my feelings. Curiosity leaves the door open to possibility. Paranoia shuts it. Paranoia sees only what it wishes to see. Curiosity is the desire to see more and more and more. It’

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• Kelly Chong