the other side of terror - by Kaitlan

For the past half-year—since my last blog post in May 2023—I have written 70+ pages to you—yes, 12 unruly, unfinished, half-baked drafts—wondering how I could possibly begin writing, and, throughout the course of several pages, continue writing, in honesty. For the past half-year, all my beginnings changed. I tinkered with them, disliked them, and threw them away. Then I happened upon this one: four em-dashes, six prepositional phrases, seven commas, the most unartful breed of the bunch. It feels bumbling, and apologetic, and ugly. It’s terrible, sure, but it’s the most honest thing I’ve got. My favorite piece of writing from Ocean Vuong is his essay on hope, desperation, and the calendar restart from which we have again emerged. On New Year’s Day, 2013, Ocean Vuong stood outside the apartment of a man who had killed himself, a man he knew as “uncle.” He could not cry, and he could not bring himself to comfort his mother. So Ocean Vuong lied. Of honesty, he says, look to the fire escap

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• Benjamin Ma