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i guess is another way to put it is, i’m used to happiness ending. i’m used to karma and jinxes and superstitions. you know that feeling when you say you’re happy and your life comes crashing down right after? you know when you’re scared to smile because you know the world prefers a frown? whenever i’m happy, i feel the ground under my feet shifting, a mini earthquake reminding me of the fault lines embedded within. even when things are good, the downhill tumble is inevitable. i know happiness doesn’t last. i’ve come to accept it. there will be no joy without pain, or whatever the saying is. but i never anticipated the opposite. i always thought life was like this: cycles of intense joy followed by intense hurt. going up just to come down. i never thought the world could invert. i never thought that after days of physical pain, of mental pain, of feeling like the center of my world was a black hole sucking every bit of me inwards, the tension would relax. the darkness would clear and m

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• Alice Zuo